


By Envy's Hand We Find Our Shape, Through Kindness We Defy It

by Gargant



Category: Tales of Symphonia
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Chosen Seles Wilder, Developing Relationship, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-21
Updated: 2020-10-21
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:15:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27135095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gargant/pseuds/Gargant
Summary: The night before the final battle, two Chosen talk about family—Colette Brunel, Chosen of Sylvarant, and Seles Wilder, the Chosen of Tethe'alla.
Relationships: Colette Brunel/Seles Wilder
Comments: 11
Kudos: 10
Collections: Ladies Bingo 2020





	By Envy's Hand We Find Our Shape, Through Kindness We Defy It

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the ladies_bingo challenge, undertaken with Windian! This one was written for the prompt 'jealousy' -- probably could have pushed that element a bit harder, but that just wasn't the story this ended up being!
> 
> Seles is the Chosen, Zelos is in the southern abbey. Seles has travelled with Lloyd and company throughout the events of Symphonia, culminating here in Heimdall.

Heimdall was one of the only places in Tethe'alla that had ever treated her with such open disrespect. Seles had been forced to endure as the elves of the hidden village tried to turn her away, had been forced to stand and listen alongside Genis and Professor Sage as Lloyd and the rest of her friends angrily defended her. And she'd been forced to hold her chin high and feign indifference to the eyes that followed her as she stepped beneath the ancient gate and set foot inside a world that had long shunned those like her—those who shared the blood of both humans and elves.

Now the sun had set, and it hardly seemed fair that Seles should still be feeling sorry for herself. Tomorrow, Lloyd was destined to fight his own father, perhaps to the death. How could she be thinking about herself when her own friend was about to endure so much? And yet here she was, standing in the doorway of the one person who always seemed to understand her. Seles had muttered her discomfort, and blushed terribly when Colette seized her hands.

"Of course I'll keep you company, I'd _love_ to!" Colette told her. "Let's go and look at the stars together."

And if that was what Colette wanted to do, Seles no longer knew how to decline.

The village truly was beautiful at night. She couldn't help but wonder what it would be like if she could appreciate it with all her heart. That was hard, when she knew she wasn't truly welcome.

"I can't imagine fighting my own father." Colette sat down beside her on the small wooden bench, close enough that Seles could feel her warmth in the cooled evening air. There was a time where she would have considered that kind of proximity inappropriate—now she wished she had an excuse to shuffle those few inches closer. The thought burned inside her, rudely trying to distract from the weight of what Colette was saying. "Lloyd's so strong, but I'm scared for him. And for Kratos. I don't think they should do this."

"It might not be that easy," Seles replied, and instantly hated the words for leaving her mouth. Yes, releasing Origin's Seal could decide the fates of both Tethe'alla and Sylvarant, but was that a good enough excuse to take Kratos's life? The familiarity of that thought twisted her stomach, a grim cousin of her own experiences. "Lloyd has tried so hard to make a world without sacrifice, and now this. It's not right."

"I agree!" Colette said it earnestly, as she always did. Her eyes shone beneath the moonlight, bright and blue and full of feeling. Seles hoped her own emotions might be so open someday. "Kratos has done so much for us. And he's suffered, too. I want to find a way to save him. He deserves to live, doesn't he?"

"Everyone deserves to live." Seles can hear the wry tone in her voice as she repeats the words that have followed her these last few months. "That's what you've all been telling me, anyway. Don't worry. Lloyd's too stubborn to change his mind now. He'll make a miracle happen. He always does."

"A miracle..." The thought seemed to make Colette happier. "I think you're right. We've just got to be there for him when it happens."

And yet Colette's blue blue eyes were downturned now, the faintest hint of a frown showing on her fair brow. Not so happy after all? Seles wanted to kick herself. She didn't ask for Colette's companionship just to make her miserable. Distraction, she needed a distraction!

"What about your father?"

Colette's head jerked back up, surprise written all over her. "What?"

 _Yes, Seles. What?!_ Of all the awful bone-headed ignorant questions she could have asked! But it was too late to back down now. Flustered, and determined not to be, Seles hurried on. "I don't know anything about your family. Tell me about your parents. What was it like for you growing up?"

 _Stupid stupid_ **_stupid_ ** . If there was one thing she knew from her _own_ miserable life experience, it's that no Chosen _ever_ wanted to talk about their childhood. Colette was going to regret ever agreeing to speak with her. Colette was going to go back inside and then Seles would be stuck alone with her own unhappy thoughts again except Colette would be miserable _too_ , and—

"It was hard." Colette's voice was mild, soft spoken, yet it cut through the florid panic that had been rising in Seles's breast. "I enjoyed it, but it was hard, too." Colette's inevitable smile was apologetic. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't say that."

"Of course you should!" Seles countered immediately, scowl set in place. "You're talking to _me_. If I don't understand, who will? And I asked, didn't I?"

"I... I guess you did." Colette looked grateful and unsure all at once. "But still, I shouldn't—"

"Tell me about your father," Seles said again, because if that was what it would take to keep Colette talking then so be it.

Thankfully, it worked. 

"My father... lives in Iselia. That's where I grew up. It was me, my father, and my grandmother." Colette turned her gaze skyward; her smile faded. Seles leaned a little closer, relieved to think that Colette was being more honest with her. Not so long ago, Colette would have hung a smile on _any_ occasion. "They were kind to me, and I'm so grateful to them. I want them to be happy."

"But?"

Colette closed her eyes.

"But my father believed he wasn't my father." Beneath the moonlight Colette's expression seemed serenely still, but her fingers had begun to twist anxiously in her lap as she spoke. "People used to say my true father was actually an angel. It wasn't true, but we didn't know that. And my mother... I never met her." Seles nodded; Chosen families were separated in Tethe'alla as well, all the better to preserve the bloodline in the event of a natural disaster. Softly, Colette continued. "Maybe if I'd known my mother I could have asked her the truth. But I didn't. I never had a chance to know her, or to ask her any questions. A letter came one day that told us she'd passed away, and that was all I ever knew of her. I wish... I wish we could have spoken, even just once."

Memories of her own mother flooded Seles's mind, as unwelcome as they were unrelenting. Stubbornly, Seles reached over to still the nervous shifting of Colette's twined hands; Colette looked back at her, a flash of quiet gratitude lighting in her eyes.

"Because of what people said, I think my father didn't know how to treat me. He was never cruel, or unkind. He's a good person. I really mean that. But there was still something... I used to hear the way Lloyd talked about his dad—about Dirk, I mean—and I wished I had something like that. I even used to be jealous of Genis and Professor Sage." Colette's shoulders had drooped; her eyes fell to look at her own lax hands, still settled in her lap. "It's awful, isn't it? Being jealous of my own friends, even after everything they've been through. Even when my own father tried so hard to love me."

"No one should have to _try_ to love you," Seles blurted angrily, and the rest of the words were out of her mouth before she could stop herself. "It's easy."

"Oh. I, um..." Colette was staring at her, eyes widening even as Seles watched. Horribly aware of what she'd just said—or _almost_ said?—Seles quickly jumped into the silence that was threatening to open up between them.

"You always think you're the only person who has ever done a bad thing in her life. You're so self-centred." It reminded Seles so much of the way she'd spoken to Colette during those first few weeks of their acquaintance, back when they'd been getting to know one another. She'd always been harsher than she wanted to be, and never sure what it was that stirred those feelings in her. Seles scowled, one hand settling on her hip despite their settled position on the bench. "I've been jealous too, you know. I used to be jealous of my brother, before they sent him to the abbey. And then I was jealous of the girl I'd been before they made me Chosen. I wanted that normal life back. I didn't realise how lucky I was until I didn't have it any more."

"Your brother..." 

Belatedly, Seles gulped. She'd thought herself willing to discuss _anything_ else if it meant they didn't focus on her near-confession, but hearing those words still sends a shiver of ice through her gut. Colette's expression was open and curious, completely unhindered by the possibility that her question might be hurtful. "Why _does_ he live in the abbey?"

 _Go on, tell her why_ , Zelos's voice seemed to echo in her mind—the grown-up Zelos, the bitter isolated one, not the kind older brother from her childhood memories. Seles blinked back against the thought, before turning her gaze toward the Heimdall sky. Each prick of light was like snowfall across the unending expanse of night—despite the warm southern air, Seles shivered. This was a story she had always kept locked within herself. One she doubted herself strong enough to tell.

And yet, the words came.

"Zelos... My big brother was the Chosen first. The Chosen that was _meant_ to be. Our father and his mother were betrothed long before I was born." A betrothal that had never stopped her father from looking elsewhere, of course. "I was born second, and in secret. The Chosen of Tethe'alla took a half-elven lover, and I was the result. Mother said he loved us, but I don't remember. He died before I ever got to know him."

"Just like me and my mother," Colette murmured, encouragement and sympathy in her voice. Seles shook her head.

"He killed himself." Colette's muffled little _eep!_ of upset did more to mollify Seles's mood than the sympathy had done. She looked over, shaking her head a second time. "Don't be upset, it's okay. I didn't really know him."

"I know, but... that's still so sad. He must have been in a lot of pain." Trust Colette to look at the whole picture instead of what was being given to her. Suddenly, Seles found her throat clogged with doubts—not about her willingness to speak, but whether or not she could burden Colette with the ugliness of this tale.

"Anyway, somehow, despite our mothers, Zelos and I became friends." It was the only silver lining Seles had to give, and seeing the small spark of hope rekindle in Colette's eyes made her want to finish the story there and then. _And we lived happily together ever after_ . _Nothing bad ever happens to the Chosen._ If only. Memories of her brother flooded through the cracks she'd begun to pry open, happy memories tormented only by everything that had come after. _Tell her why,_ she heard Zelos again, but this time it was the young boy of her youth. The boy she had betrayed so terribly. Seles bit her lip, the old habit resurfacing along with so much else. "And then, one day, my mother..."

She had come this far. Perhaps that alone was enough. Colette was staring back at her, listening with solemn eyes and rapt attention. Seles couldn't bear the thought of bringing more pain to that lovely face. And yet, to have someone who might listen, might even _understand_... "If I told you something awful about myself, do you think you could still be my friend? You wouldn't leave me, would you?"

It was a stupid, stupid question, and yet Colette didn't so much as hesitate. "Never!" Her hands sprang back to life in her lap, clenching into earnest little fists that she balled up before herself. "You've done so much for me, Seles. I never imagined I'd meet such a wonderful new friend. I won't ever leave you behind. Please don't ever think that!"

"O-okay, okay!" Seles stuttered back in turn, aware once again of the way her face was burning. Colette was always so... so able to express herself. To just show all her love and kindness out in the open where anyone could see it. Something _else_ Seles was jealous of, however much she loathed to admit it. "I'm sorry. I won't ask again. But... this isn't a nice story. You don't have to listen to it if you don't want to."

But they were committed now, and Colette seemed to sense it too. "If you want to tell, then I'd like to listen."

She did not want to tell. She was never going to want to revisit that day. "One day, my mother told me that I was going to become the Chosen. She told me that she loved me, and that my father loved me, and they would always be with me. Then she left, and never came home again."

The moment hung silently between them. Seles needed to continue, needed to explain, but the words seemed stuck in her throat. It took Colette's prompting to pull her back from that muted brink. "But why? Where did she go?"

"She went to the Chosen's manor. My brother's manor." Her brother, barely older than she had been. A pair of children, caught in the machinations of their parents. Their parents, caught in the machinations of Cruxis. Wheels turning inside wheels. Seles realised she was shaking and clenched her fists tighter in her own lap. "My mother tried to kill my brother. If the Chosen died, then _I_ could become the next Chosen. Then I could live a good life. At least that's probably what she was thinking."

 _A good life_. What an awful misunderstanding. How stupid her poor mother had been. There was nothing good about life as a Chosen. She had been doomed to misery from the moment she was born with this cursed blood inside her—living in that mansion, surrounded by false admirers, had only served to change the shape of her torment.

"She failed, though. My brother's own mother protected him. She was killed instead."

"Zelos's mother..." Colette's voice was soft, the hitch in her tone suggesting tears. Seles closed her own eyes for a long moment before she continued. If she looked at Colette now, she doubted she'd be able to finish.

"My mother was executed, of course. They wouldn't let me speak to her before she died, but I attended the execution." That was all she could say about that. Even now, in trusted company, the memory was locked down in some deep dark well inside her. She knew it was there, she could feel the ache of it if she pressed too close, and perhaps some day she would finally have the courage to drag it out of those depths. But not now. "And then it was decided that I should become the Chosen instead of my brother."

They had explained it to her while she lay sick and crying, too distraught to question the strange things they were saying. _Can I see my big brother?_ was all she'd thought to ask, and when they promised she could she'd let herself be mollified by their lies. By the time she learned better than to trust the people around her, Zelos had already been shipped off to the southern abbey. "My own mother was a murderer, and I was a half-elf, but they still wanted me to be the Chosen? It didn't make sense to me."

Colette remained quiet beside her. Seles kept her own gaze locked on the loamy grass beneath their feet. "The truth is, even _with_ my elven blood, I was much more convenient than my brother. I was sickly, and scared. The nobles at court, the royal family... they wanted a Chosen who could be shut away and forgotten about. A Chosen they could bring out for special occasions and then put back on the top shelf until next time. My brother would have done well at court, and that made him dangerous."

Finally, Colette interrupted; her voice was thick with compassion. "But he was only a child!"

Seles felt the words stick in her core, but somehow her face stayed cool. "It's true. He was. But they sent him away, and received Cruxis's blessing to name me Chosen instead. It didn't matter really. If I ever died they'd just call him back from the abbey anyway." Her voice sounded dull to her own ears, as if she might have begun speaking of two _other_ tormented children. "That's why he hates me. Because I stole his life from him. I ruined everything."

"No!" It was so rare to hear Colette raise her voice, and especially out of anger. Seles startled, head jerking up as Colette leapt to her feet and spun to look at her. Tears had streaked her face, but her blue eyes were shining with a fearsome determination that held Seles captive. "You didn't do anything wrong! Everything that happened, it wasn't your fault! You mustn't say that!"

"But..." Hadn't she numbed herself to the story she was telling? Seles had thought so, but now her voice was cracking. When she blinked, it brought the realisation of hot, shamed tears. "But if it wasn't for me, he'd still—"

"That doesn't matter. You didn't choose any of those things. You loved him, and he loved you too. Seles, please! Don't throw those feelings away! Don't make the same mistakes I did!"

"It's not that easy!" Seles bit back, the flare of anger coming much more naturally to her than grief or honesty. Her temper had always been her biggest weakness. Now, in her vulnerability, she was going to throw it at the one person who least deserved her rage. "And I'm not like you! You're _good_ ! Every stupid thing you've ever done was because you loved people _too_ much! Because you were too kind, or too selfless, or too good of a Chosen. That's not me! All I do is... hurt people, and take things that aren't mine!"

Not that long ago, Colette would have backed down from a confrontation like this. Even now, humiliated and furious, part of Seles still managed to feel a pang of proud admiration as Colette shook her head and answered back. "You don't hurt people. You've _been_ hurt. You've been through so much, and it wasn't your fault." And then, before Seles had a chance to escape or push her away, Colette stepped in close and gathered them into a tight embrace. "Seles, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry you've been so hurt."

 _You're so stupid_ , Seles tried to snap at her again, but instead she could only manage to cling tighter. Cling tighter, hide her face in Colette's shoulder, and sob.

By the time Seles had herself back under control, Colette was stroking her hair and making the sort of small soothing noises she usually saved for random dogs she saw in the street. "There, it's okay. It's okay now. I'm here with you, okay? It's going to be okay."

"Don't patronise me," Seles managed to sniff, suddenly and mortifyingly aware of the wet blotches her tears had left on Colette's clothes. And a different kind of mortifying—she was aware of Colette's warmth, and the soft white curve of Colette's throat pressed almost flush to her cheek. Doggedly she pushed herself back from Colette's chest, feeling the gentle strength in Colette's arms as she was released. Colette's time as an angel had left her different that way, stronger and faster than her delicate frame had any right to be. The thought of it went straight through Seles, prickly and warm and distracting.

"I'm sorry," Colette said, and it took Seles a moment to even remember what it was that Colette might be apologising for.

"If you're really sorry, you'll forget all about that," Seles replied, trying to interject some command back into the situation. When Colette giggled at her, one hand covering her mouth as though to mask the response, Seles felt herself blushing ever harder. "I'm serious!"

"Of course!" And although Colette was smiling, her expression seemed to turn a shade more sombre. "Thank you for talking to me, Seles. And for listening to what I had to say. I've never told anyone that before. Um, what I said about my father, I mean. Thank you."

If they had both shared something intimate, then perhaps there was less reason to be so afraid. "Me neither. I've never talked about what happened. No one else would understand."

There was no need to explain any more than that. Colette reached over to clasp their hands together, and nodded her silent understanding. There were things in these two worlds that only a fellow Chosen could ever _truly_ understand. Was it too late to try and make up for the anger she'd shown before? Seles decided she could try. "You've gotten better at telling the truth, you know. You're not as stupid as you used to be."

"Thanks!" Colette said sunnily, as if it were the sweetest compliment in the world. Seles wanted to throttle her, even as her heart flipped over in her chest at the sight of it. "You're better at it now too. Let's promise to always try and be honest with each other, even when it's hard."

Colette's hands were wrapped around her own, soft and kind and somehow unmarred by all the hardship she'd faced. If Seles were being honest, she'd probably fall to her knees and kiss each wonderful fingertip... or at least admit that she wanted to. She doubted that Seles, the second-choice Chosen of Tethe'alla, would ever be brave enough to tell _that_ truth.

... But after tomorrow there might not even _be_ a Tethe'alla any more. And then she could become a whole _new_ Seles Wilder. A Seles able to face her brother, and choose her own life. Maybe even a Seles who could spill the contents of her heart as truly and sincerely as the girl standing before her. Colette Brunel, the Chosen of Sylvarant. Colette, the most and least honest person she'd ever been blessed to meet.

Seles squeezed, fingers entwined, and gave a firm nod. "After tomorrow, I'll tell you another secret." Colette blinked at her, looking very much as though she didn't want to wait until tomorrow—Seles squeezed her hands a little tighter, punctuating her words. "It has to be after tomorrow. It's not another horrible story, I promise!"

Colette must have seen the beginnings of panic starting in her eyes because she hurriedly nodded her agreement, the smile on her face so warm and so sincere. "Okay," She said, and maybe she already knew or maybe it was just a coincidence, but she somehow said exactly the words Seles needed to hear. "If it's something you want to share with me, then it's worth waiting for."

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [i don't want to be a hero (and i never did, and i never have been)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27168737) by [vinndetta](https://archiveofourown.org/users/vinndetta/pseuds/vinndetta)




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